A few weeks ago a friend of mine told me he thought I was
fearless, he said it because I have a tendency to do crazy things and take
risks but I certainly wouldn’t say that those qualities made me fearless in
fact there are a lot of things I’m afraid of…
I’m afraid of pumping my own gas at the petrol station,
stray dogs, of commitment to almost anything, to intimacy (and I’m equally afraid
of ending up alone), I’m terrified of fireworks, of boats, of bees being in my
shoes, I’m scared my life will have no meaning or that I will waste my time
doing things that will ultimately serve no purpose, (I’m embarrassed to admit
it but since I’m being honest) I’m afraid of being fat, of something bad
happening to loved ones and I’m not overly happy at height or in small spaces,
small sticky children make me nervous, the idea of always having to wear shoes
makes me quiver and I’m scared one day I might accidently eat meat.
As you can see I’m not fearless, not at all, not by any
means I’m clearly scared of a lot of things but I also understand that living
in the moment is important. If we all walk around worrying about what the
future holds all the time and never take any risks then we would all be living
in a bubble of our own creation in which our lives would be limited to the few
things inside our comfort zone.
Obviously the risks we take should be measured, there’s no
way I’m endorsing drunk driving or playing chicken in the road but if someone
asks if I want to drive a rickshaw across India, go paragliding, bungee
jumping, white water rafting or hitch hiking I’m most likely going to say yes.
If I want to travel and no one can come with me I’m not going to side line my
plans I’ll go on my own, if I’m not happy in the place I live I will get rid of
almost everything I own and move across the world. If the job I have isn’t
mentally or spiritually fulfilling I will sack it in and take on a menial role
rather than compromise my happiness, because in the end, when I’m on my death
bed looking back at my life I don’t want to say that I wish I’d taken more
chances or opportunities I want to die knowing that I lived life to the fullest
because after all life would be boring if it was constantly lived in a box.
(And as a wee after mention, my life line is pretty fucking
long so I’m not really too worried about that…)
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